Senin, 12 November 2018

Rain? Pain?

They say that it's fun playing in the rain
Why?
Cause when we're happy, it will add some pleasant vibes
and when we're sad, somehow it can erase the unhappiness bit by bit
I say...
We just can't deny the rain
When we're happy or sad,
If it should be rain, there will be rain

They say it is pathetic to keep the pain
Why?
Cause we can't feel what we call as happiness
and even we forget how bad sadness is
I say
Pain is rain
We just can't deny it
Happiness and sadness will often come at the same time 
No matter how hard it is,
If it should be a pain, there will be a pain

Selasa, 06 November 2018

Our Morning Conversation

I begged for attention and love
But I shouldn't have expected anything
I cried for forgiveness
I should have forgiven myself first
Time flies
So fast
Leaving abundant wounds to be cured
But where the love is?
Where the home is?
............
No!
You shouldn't have stopped
Walk
Continue your journey
Leave them, all of them
Run
Don't let those people recognize you
It's your time to live your own life
It's your time to leave all burdens
Just walk
For sure, they'll try to find you
But make sure, they won't find you
Be a stranger
Be a new human being
Be you
Don't look back
Don't take steps back
It's your life
.........
Yes. He is right
It's your life
They'll need you
So bad
But do they understand that sometimes you need them?
Just go
It's okay
........
Okay. I'll go
But not now
Soon
I'll leave them
Thank you

Rabu, 24 Oktober 2018

Powerlessness

He was so tough
He was so powerful
He wasn't afraid of anything
He could lift the heaviest burden
He would walk without stopping
He killed any obstacles ahead

Now
Look at him
So pathetic
Lives like a zombie
Feels nothing
Something has changed
He becomes more powerless
He takes some steps back
Remains silent
Won't move, walk, or even just talk
Is he exhausted?
No
He's disappointed
He lets the others take over the wheel
Is he giving up?
Don't know
But, for sure, he's disappointed

Senin, 22 Oktober 2018

Smoke. Grey.

Sometimes, there is only smoke
Inside me, around me, everywhere
Even everybody is powerless to deny it
Smoke
Grey
Painful but good
Tears won't come out because of it
It hurts inside
But even the universe can't help it out
God, where are you?
Can you help me?
Cause the universe remains silent
Watching all of this smoke covers my sorrow
Are you watching me also?
Are you, all of you, laughing?
Please, this smoke can't stop taking my egos
No one is taking control
They also remain silent
What should I do now?
Ah, perhaps I need to meet silence
Talk to it and ask what's happening
Will it answer this unexplainable thing?
Please, anyone, anything, answer this

Dreams

They tried to touch me.
They looked angry with me

An old man, like a homeless, suddenly came to my room. I was sleeping. But then I realized his presence. I was so scared. He's so real. It's less than a meter away from me. The old man didn't let me go. He held me so tight. He did not speak at all. Just standing and holding me from distance. But it's like he was holding my body so tight that I could not move. Even it's difficult for me to breathe. I didn't pray at that time, I just tried to fight and set myself free from his power. I did it, but so exhausted.

The old woman was worse.
She wanted to attack me. Why? Okay...In my dream, I saw "me" had a relationship with her, I think it's been a long time. But then I was getting bored because she always turned into an old woman whenever it's only two of us in a room. But she could change as a young lady whenever there were a lot of people; my friends. I think she used (dark) magic for that. Then, I decided to leave her by flirting with other girls in front of her (as a young lady). I was in a room full with my friends. I tried to get close to my girl friends. They felt uncomfortable. They thought I acted weird. But I just tried to go from that monster. Then, that woman went out. Couple minutes later, my friend looked scared calling me "she wants you to meet her outside". I was so scared. I opened the door, then I was shocked. She was in the form of an old woman!! She was with her friend, old too. But that old woman looked really really angry. I just closed the door, and I couldn't move from a bed. She came and tried to catch me. I realized that it's a dream, then I started praying. Then the door changed into a curtain and in front of it there's a cupboard. Just exactly the same as what I'm facing right now in my bedroom. Really really looked real. I couldn't stop praying. She tried to move from my dream into my real situation, real life. She pushed so hard. But I prayed even louder. After several Bapa Kami and Salam Maria. It's gone. And I could wake up. But still, praying.

Do they want to say/deliver something? If it's yes, I can't help them because I'm too scared. Couple years ago, they came through voices. But now, they show up. The whole body. Even it really looked real. I'm still scared.

Minggu, 21 Oktober 2018

Let's Deal with The Past

I believe that the pain will never leave unless we ask it to leave. But before we want to do it, just make sure that everything is ready. Forgive, Fix, and Move.
Forgiving the past doesn't mean to forget and hate. Forgiving means we accept sincerely what has happened. Take everything that can be used as the lesson for a better "present" or even "future". And let the bad, worse, and worst things go by itself. No need to forget or hate.
Fixing isn't about how we can blame and ask "the past" to fix everything. It means we take a look at ourselves; detecting what we should repair in order to build our new steps and then fix ourselves. Remember, no need to forget or hate.
Moving. Wait. Are you sure tht you have forgiven and fixed them? Alright. I trust you.
Well, moving isn't showing off about our new present. It is about how we can use the result of forgiving and fixing as a new and strong way to go to where we belong. It's not easy. And perhaps it will spend like forever. But it's worth to try. But again, no need to forget or hate.

Damn, why I'm alwys saying that "no need to forget and hate"?!!

Because... you know? We will never be able to erase everything from the past. Someone said in a movie that we put the past into the box, lock it, and one day we will open it, unlock it, see it even touch it. We'll do it over over and over again until we don't see and feel it as pain anymore.
So, don't forget and hate it. Cause you'll still deal with it for, let's say, a long time.
Just get used to it. You'll be fine.

13 Maret 2016

#1 @11:10
Bertahan atau ikhlas?
Bertahan karena cinta
Mengikhlaskan karena cinta
Bertahan karena cinta kami
Mengikhlaskan karena mencintainya
Bertahan berbekas tanya,"Saling berjuang untuk mencinta atau aku penghalang?"
Mengikhlaskan berujung tanya,"Dia akan berbahagia atau mati putus asa?"
Bertahan atau ikhlas?
Menurutku, saat ini, ikhlas untuk bertahan

#2 @11:24
Bukan hal yang tabu untuk mengucap cinta
Bukan hal yang janggal merasakan sakit
Cinta bukan hal yang sia-sia untuk diperjuangkan
Rasa sakit bukan hal yang ringan untuk diterima
Bukan cinta yang melukis rasa sakit
Bukan rasa sakit yang menciptakan cinta
Bagiku...
Mereka terlahir bersama dan selalu berdampingan
Ya, cinta dan rasa sakit;
rasa sakit dan cinta

#3 @11:36
Menoleh ke belakang, mengulas luka
Memandang ke depan, meraba luka
Lukaku dulu tak bermakna, sia-sia, tak bertujuan
Lukaku sekarang dan nanti berujung kebahagiaan sejati
Sekali lagi
Menoleh ke belakang menutup cerita, menghilangkan luka
Memandang ke depan melangkah dengan luka, mengejar, dan menciptakan kebahagiaan

#4 @11:42
Cinta itu fiksi, tidak nyata
Cinta itu tanpa definisi, maya
Bagaimana bisa cinta itu sejati jika tidak nyata?
Bagaimana bisa cinta itu memiliki arti tapi maya?
Cinta itu tidak sejati dan tidak memiliki arti
Cinta itu abadi
Keabadian itu tidak nyata dan maya
Tapi ada
Cinta itu abadi
Cinta itu ada
Tak perlu menjadi non-fiksi
Tak perlu memiliki definisi
Cinta itu ada
Cinta itu abadi

12 Maret 2016

#1
Kau tau angin?
Saat tenang, menyejukkan, mendamaikan, membahagiakan
Saat terlalu besar, bisa menghancurkan
Saat sama sekali tidak ada, mematikan
Kau tau cinta?
Sama.

#2
Ada yang bilang,"Diam adalah teriakan yang paling kencang."
Ada yang bilang,"Aku (tidak) baik-baik saja."
Ada juga yang bilang,"Semua pasti (tidak akan) baik-baik saja."
Aku bilang,"Aku berantakan."

#3
Keajaiban itu ada
Kebahagiaan itu nyata
Dia
Ada dan juga nyata

#4
Memperjuangkan itu tidak mudah
Namun
Mempertahankan dan bertahan,
tidak kalah sulitnya

21 Agustus 2017

Mengapa bayangmu masih menghantui?
Sedangkan waktu saja tak mampu mengembalikanmu
Hanya dalam mimpi semuanya jelas
Namun kenyataan bergegas membangunkan

Mengapa bayangmu tetap menghantui?
Sedangkan pagi hanya berlalu datang dan pergi
Tak mampu mengusir kenangan
Hanya menambah pekatnya harapan

Mengapa bayangmu selalu menghantui?
Sedangkan malam hanya terbenam sunyi
Membawa dingin untuk ketidakmampuan
Dan meyakinkan bahwa sekalipun langit kita sama,
tatapan kita tak akan pernah saling menyapa

20 Agustus 2017

#1
Aku berucap pada malam,
bahwa siangku kelam
Langit pun berdecak pada dukaku
Dan enggan untuk menggiring waktu

Bukan lagi pagi yang ku nanti
Hanya berharap hari cepat berganti
Menempa hati hingga kokoh
Menyulam duka dengan tawa

Terang kini tak begitu berguna
Silaunya hanya membuatku terpejam
Bertanya dan berakhir menerima
Adakah hari di mana luka akan pudar?
Ah, tapi biarlah
Biarkan siang dan malam terus berlalu
Sedangkan gelap dan terang beranjak sesukanya
Aku terima

#2
Secangkir tehku beku
Berbeda dengan kopimu
Tehku tak berujung pada seduhan
Hanya bening tak berasa
Menggambarkan rasa getir

Dia tak bergerak
Hanya kaku pada pahitnya
Bukan lagi lidah yang mampu mengecap
Namun hati yang kini berucap
Pulanglah
Cairkan getirku
dan maniskan secangkir tehku

#3
Mampukah aku berjalan tanpa mimpi?
Semua menjadi buram
semenjak kau tinggalkan kopimu
Bukankah baru saja hitamnya kau seduh?
Kini kau tinggalkan pada pahit
hingga getir meninggikan arogannya

Tak setetes pun mampu ku cicipi
Memandangnya saja aku rapuh
Kopimu tak mampu ku gapai
Apalagi hatimu?

Mimpiku terenggut bersama pergimu
Namun aku harus tetap berjalan
pada pagi dan malammu
pada terang dan gelapmu
Mampukah aku?
Sedangkan kau tinggalkan aku
hanya bersama seduhan kopimu

#4
Ucapku terbatas pada diammu
Iramaku teredam oleh sunyimu
Langkahku terhenti oleh pergimu
Dan cintaku tertahan pada pengkhianatanmu

Hidup memang akan berakhir
Dunia pun tak bertengger selamanya
Tapi tidak bolehkah hati bersuara?
Memanggil pemiliknya kembali menyapa

Mungkin memang takdir sedang murka
Memisahkan apa yang baru dimulai
Mengakhiri semua yang akan tercipta
Dan membungkam rasa dalam sakitnya

Adakah di sana kamu merasakannya?
Saat dingin menjadi sunyi
Dan hujan menambah duka
Menyiratkan tatapanmu yang tak mampu bertahan
Dan menjadikan senyummu sebatas luka

19 Agustus 2017

Menyedihkan
Malamku tak berujung gelap,
namun air mata
Pagiku pun tak diawali terang,
namun duka
Apakah dia juga merasakannya?
Namun ada yang mengatakan,
"Laramu karena hatimu terlalu berharap pada hal maya"

14 Agustus 2017

#1
Menginginkan kemustahilan
Membayangkan kenangan
Menahan kesakitan
Mengharap kesembuhan

Cinta memang hebat
Detik yang menjadi hari-hari pun
Tak kunjung membaik
Hebat, karena rasa sakit yang ditinggalkan
Manusia terkuat pun tak lebih dari sampah
Menjijikkan, tak berguna dalam diamnya

Bisakah semua kembali pada selayaknya?
Atau memang ini yang seharusnya?
Orang tak berhati pun bisa menjawabnya
Tapi aku hanya siap untuk tidak mampu

#2
Terkadang Tuhan mengakhiri apa yang berusaha kita mulai
Seperti angin, tiba-tiba datang merenggut
Bukan kecewa yang menyedihkan
Tapi kenyataan bahwa tak pernah dipersatukan

Pagi, siang, ataupun malam sama saja
Karena waktu belum mampu mengubah kenyataan
Harus aku yang mengubah
Tapi...
Memampukan ketidakmampuan tidak semudah tawamu saat bahagia

#3
Tidak ada yang pasti di dunia ini
Kepastian dan manusia tidaklah mutlak
Sekeras apapun perasaan memaksa,
terkadang hanya akan kecewa
Saat kita berusaha pun
Masih ada Tuhan yang menentukan

#4
Bukankah udara ada untuk siapa saja?
Tapi banyak yang tidak begitu peduli
Bukankah cinta adalah hak setiap manusia?
Tapi banyak yang memilih diam memendamnya
Bukankah rasa sakit juga untuk semua orang?
Ah, setidaknya aku tidak sendiri dalam hal ini

#5
Perjuangan tidak berhenti pada pemisahan
Hanya raga yang bisa dipisahkan
Perasaan dan pemikiran tidak akan berubah
Pergi bukan berarti mengakhiri
Menghilang bukan berarti menyerah

Jika ego ini tak terkurung
Aku takut hanya akan menambah deritamu
Bahagiamu adalah impianku
Sekalipun tak akan pernah bisa bersama
Aku rela

Tawamu adalah terang bagi malamku
Senyummu adalah cerah bagi pagiku
Jauh ini jangan mengurung bahagiamu
Raga kita tak perlu bertemu
Pejamkan mata,
dan temui aku dalam setiap mimpimu