Numb

 It's just another incredible June. It feels like I have a Deja Vu. I've been here before, and I'm here again. 

There's no significant difference, but I feel numb now. I don't even understand what I actually feel. Just numb. Am I sad? or angry? disappointed? tired? or frustrated? I just feel numb. That's it.
I can still laugh, though. Like nothing happens. Is this normal? LOL.

For some reason, I hope this numbness won't fade away. 

Let me be numb, let me be someone who still can face the world even if in the worst place.. 

I don't know

 Well, there is no explanation for what I feel right now. 

It's yellow and blue at the same time

Perhaps, I can say that I'm in the middle of them.

I don't want to see people coz I have already had a lot of conversations in my head without them. 

Sometimes it's hilarious, but most of the time it's too noisy. 

The funny thing is that it feels like I can watch this world over the night every day without sleeping.

And I only need my 2 companions: cigarettes & coffee.

Every day I just want to skip the time and welcome the next day, but I'm not sure what I should do on that new day. It feels like I'm just waiting for "my turn" while trying to enjoy what I encounter. I feel empty. I feel numb. And I also feel tired. 

I'm living in a body that fights to survive and mind that wants to die...

Don't get it

Have no words to explain

Have no voice to scream

There's only a dim light

Bring us further

And it's getting cold

I barely can feel my fingers

I hardly can understand

And this smoke makes it colder

I still don't get it

What's happening? 

There are only noises from the silence

What should I do? 

What do I need? 

I can't figure it out

Even when I touch my last cigarette

I don't know when

I think it would be happier if I were a kid. Right?
I just looked at my photos and realized that this world won't be nicer. If I had another chance to live, I would try to be a better person. I feel that I'm ....fu*ked up. Always. It's because of me, myself. The one who should be responsible for my life is me. No one else.

29 Agustus 2019 09:56

Kita berhak menyayangi siapapun
Tapi tidak boleh kita menuntutnya balik
Hakmu bukan berarti tanggung jawabnya
Sayangi tanpa pamrih, apapun itu bentuknya
Bahkan cintailah tanpa mengharap kembali dicintiai
Kuatkan hati
Agar ketika mencintai
tidak akan menyakitkan jika dia tidak mampu melakukan hal yang sama
Kamu bisa dan boleh menyayanginya
sebanyak apapun, sebesar apapun
tapi
jangan menuntut dia menyayangimu sebanyak dan sebesar itu juga
Dia berhak memberi sayangnya yang besar itu ke orang yang dia pilih nantinya
Ingat
Kamu boleh menyayangi atau mencintai
tapi jangan memaksakan kehendak orang lain
Setiap orang punya pilihannya masing-masing
Mungkin kamu memilih dia
Tapi belum tentu kamu yang dia pilih
Ya
Kita berhak menyayangi siapapun
Begitulah salah satu cara semesta bekerja

Life

Life is...
Too short to forgive our own mistakes
Too short to realize how beautiful we are
Too short to accept what we deserve
And too short to complain what we can't get
But...
It's more than enough to be grateful for every lesson, love, attention, touch , hug, and kiss from you
I don't know how long my life is 
But for sure, I start accepting the death-my biggest fear.
I know, as I always say "It's okay".

Short Talk

It was only a brief talk.
Short but deep.
It was about a simple hope of a loving woman.
But somehow it's a pain for a love-chaser.
Simple and sincere.
A dream of an almost-desperate woman.
But it's a kind of burden for a love-seeker.
A marriage.